on clouds, calories, and my grandfather's scale

this morning i went for my first couch-to-5k run/walk/fail in over a year.  wayyyyy over.  i say fail, even though the app told me i burnt 199 calories (262 if we include the warm-up and exclude the fact that the last three 60-second running intervals - out of eight - were ignored and i just started the cool-down early).  i shouldn't say fail...but it keeps flashing in my head like an old neon sign, "FATTY...FATTY...FATTY..."

SIGH.

according to my grandfather's scale (traditional wheel-type, which requires me wearing corrective lenses to read, because my digital gave out on me) i'm about four pounds below the weight i was when i started this blog, about two years ago. overall, isn't that technically a win?  heh.

i've bounced around. i was thirty-something pounds down...life happened, i coped with food and laziness, and here i am.

my youngest son went with me on the run - i didn't listen to music, because he's a talker, and i'll pretend like that's what contributed to my fatty fatigue. ok it's true, if i have some music to drown out the sound of my out-of-breathedness, the experience is a little better.  running down a street in our neighborhood, i said to him, don't get fat.  heading down our own street, i said, don't get fat.  "i know, mom, you already told me."

sigh.  *pant pant* sigh.

i know i can get better.  i know i can get back in shape, maybe even better shape than the last time i was "in shape".  the boyfriend and i were discussing this earlier in the week - by our next vacation, i want to be in the kind of shape where i'm comfortable doing some real hiking, not just the (lovely, wonderful) nature trail walking we do now.  i want to not have to worry about whether my knees are going to shit out on me.  i want to not have to anticipate a week(month)-long recovery for my hips.

i've been in a kind of dark, cloudy funk lately.  i know it's because i'm just laying around, giving too much room in my head to all of the crappy things going on, letting them take over instead of showing myself how beautiful life can be.  feeding them with processed bullshit instead of loving my body with natural goodness and common sense.

i have to get back on track.  i refuse to let this awesome part of my life become dimmed with mediocrity. kale and bananas for the win!

and running and yoga and hiking and love love love.